Monday, December 27, 2010

Holiday Depression

Cold, gray weather gives me the blues. My first bonafide bout of depression occurred in winter, and since then -- my random depressions usually come in winter. I have much to appreciate, yet this funk I can not shake. What's the source? I'm a spoiled little brat. It's true. I'm down in out in Beverly Hills because I'm being down on myself. As much as I try to discourage my friends from this kind of thought process, I know it all to well. It's called self-loathing. I planned to make a Thanksgiving Dinner after Thanksgiving. Mostly for my vegan daughter since there wasn't much accomodation for her at her grandmothers. But, we were redoing the kitchen (which is still not done), and I never got to make it. Well Christmas came around and I wanted to make up for it. We woke up like 1:30pm on Sunday and about 3 I realized oh man I wanted to cook! So, needless to say, after grocery shopping, we didn't eat til maybe 10-11. I was determined the whole time like yeah, it's late, but it's ok, it's our holiday and we do what we want. We're all on a crazy late schedule lately anyway, big long as it's worth it.
I'll admit, I'm intimidated by big meals. Multiple dishes that all need to be warm at the same time, and while I think maybe I got that part down this time, this food was not good. Mike ate in silence and he always compliments my cooking, and my middle child makes it obvious when she doesn't like something. I damn sure didn't like it. I did succeed at one dish that I tried new and I really liked it. I tried to console myself because at least the oldest liked it but when you think of it, she likes anything :D But she is my vegan and it was mostly for her, so I should feel at least a little satisfied, but I don't. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm never going to get this house together, job or no job. I feel like I can't make cookies or cakes or dinners or be a good mother.
Christmas was not much of a help. I have this strained relationship with my mother, this wall, this block that I can't seem to break no matter what. I hate hurting her but I also hate her. Not hate her but I have this strong dislike that I can't break. And everytime I try to stop, she does something to make me dislike her again. Then she bought me all this shit for christmas. And all I bought her was some stupid perfume. I dont want all that stuff! I just want her to be fucking responsible with her money and stop acting flagrant. That doesn't make me happy! But I feel like an asshole for not appreciating it and for wanting to complain about it.
Now one of them just threw up. And I dont even feel like cleaning it up. I'll let it sit. All I want to do is be in my bed. Day in day out. As much as I know I need to do, want to do, I just stay glued to this bed. A lazy sorry fuck! Granted, I needed a break. And I think I've had it. I'm ready to get busy again, but I'm scared i"ve become a lazy fuck.

1 comment:

ashita said...

2 years later, a similar feeling has crept in. The beauty of reflection.

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