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Jah, I love you!

Holiday Depression

Cold, gray weather gives me the blues. My first bonafide bout of depression occurred in winter, and since then -- my random depressions usually come in winter. I have much to appreciate, yet this funk I can not shake. What's the source? I'm a spoiled little brat. It's true. I'm down in out in Beverly Hills because I'm being down on myself. As much as I try to discourage my friends from this kind of thought process, I know it all to well. It's called self-loathing. I planned to make a Thanksgiving Dinner after Thanksgiving. Mostly for my vegan daughter since there wasn't much accomodation for her at her grandmothers. But, we were redoing the kitchen (which is still not done), and I never got to make it. Well Christmas came around and I wanted to make up for it. We woke up like 1:30pm on Sunday and about 3 I realized oh man I wanted to cook! So, needless to say, after grocery shopping, we didn't eat til maybe 10-11. I was determined the whole time like yeah, it's late, but it's ok, it's our holiday and we do what we want. We're all on a crazy late schedule lately anyway, big deal...as long as it's worth it.
I'll admit, I'm intimidated by big meals. Multiple dishes that all need to be warm at the same time, and while I think maybe I got that part down this time, this food was not good. Mike ate in silence and he always compliments my cooking, and my middle child makes it obvious when she doesn't like something. I damn sure didn't like it. I did succeed at one dish that I tried new and I really liked it. I tried to console myself because at least the oldest liked it but when you think of it, she likes anything :D But she is my vegan and it was mostly for her, so I should feel at least a little satisfied, but I don't. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm never going to get this house together, job or no job. I feel like I can't make cookies or cakes or dinners or be a good mother.
Christmas was not much of a help. I have this strained relationship with my mother, this wall, this block that I can't seem to break no matter what. I hate hurting her but I also hate her. Not hate her but I have this strong dislike that I can't break. And everytime I try to stop, she does something to make me dislike her again. Then she bought me all this shit for christmas. And all I bought her was some stupid perfume. I dont want all that stuff! I just want her to be fucking responsible with her money and stop acting flagrant. That doesn't make me happy! But I feel like an asshole for not appreciating it and for wanting to complain about it.
Now one of them just threw up. And I dont even feel like cleaning it up. I'll let it sit. All I want to do is be in my bed. Day in day out. As much as I know I need to do, want to do, I just stay glued to this bed. A lazy sorry fuck! Granted, I needed a break. And I think I've had it. I'm ready to get busy again, but I'm scared i"ve become a lazy fuck.

so my daughter's taken an interest in reading the Bible, which i've been ok about because she's sooo nonreligious, i'm just glad she's taken an interest in learning about religion in general. i guess i intentionally raised my children without too much religious influence so that they could see it from an unbiased perspective when deciding whether to become religious or not. If you grow up in the church, someone is always there to explain to you why in the old days it was ok to marry among the family, or why God put the tree in the middle of the garden that he didn't want anyone to touch. So, we read a creation story together and while she had all these doubts and questions and didn't seem to agree, she still wanted more. She said she wanted to read the Bible every day. So, she started reading one day and got to about Genesis Chapter 9ish where Noah is drunk and he curses Ham. She came to me and asked what does this mean Mommy. I asked her what was going on and she said something about him getting drunk and being naked, I don't know. So, I told her close it up and we'd get back to it later. So, I'm just now reading. Right after this part is the curse to Ham who is clearly father to our black nation--his descendants being Egypt and Cush and Sheba. I really did want her to have a positive outcome from reading the Bible, but I'm afraid she's going to be very disgruntled. She's already making comments like "Why would God destroy the whole world?" So, as I've been explaining the oldness of the Bible, much of these early texts coming from actual stone tablets (kids don't even realize there was a day when there was no printed book, no copying, etc) where the originals are not even around any more. Even some of the oldest originals available have huge cracks and erosion. Not to mention, these are ancient languages that we might not understand the storytelling style of, use of metaphors or color in language. So many variables with the Bible. I've told them to be careful and look at what doesn't seem to make sense, or contradict something somewhere else, or if the passage doesn't seem to follow the rest of the story. I've noticed this quite often in the Bible, small discrepancies, and I attribute it to those factors. Which is why I'm so wary of the Bible. And, you can't trust one part and not another. It's not sensible for me to think like that. Of course there is the Quran which corroborates many things in the Bible, and these are the things that I can safely assume to be correct.
Here's the things I, and my child, notice to be strange about the Bible:

God is always cursing somebody
God is always talking about "us" and "we"
Why did God not want people to know the difference between good and evil?
Why would God not want people to be one, and able to accomplish anything working together and then mix up their language so they couldn't do nothing? Genesis 11:5-8 makes it seem like once man started getting intelligent God didn't like that, like his creation was out of control so he had to fuck him up a bit to slow him down. I mean, that's kinda wack.

I'll come back to this...

This Morning

This morning
He whispered in my ear
You
are the
sexiest
woman
alive
And I
am married
to you

And I
smiled

I love
being
married

One Night

I think every grown person has had some non-committed type incredible night. I aint never been no ho, casual sex is not my thing. But as a young college girl, I did sleep over someone's house and all I remember is Portishead, candles and a lot of touching. I could give a shit about the dude involved, though for awhile he had my world record for the softest touch, but the best thing to come out of the night was my introduction to Portishead. I must commend myself for not coming out them drawls--come to think of it I dont even think he tried. Thank you :)

A thing of Beauty

Just out of appreciation for nature, this is a beautiful plant.

Inner child

So what do I do when I want to know how to do something? I look it up. I do research. Google, the library, the whole bit. And when I knew I needed help getting my house in order I got online. There Was flylady (whose principle of a clean sink I just really got the other day) but I preferred the inner child lady. My messes are very much tied to an inner child because the adult in me is very organized. This is the dichotomy I've been living with because at work or school I can be super organized but the house is a mess. And it boils down to this rotten spoiled inner child of mine. This is not sweet cute anjel, this is a brat. She doesn't like to brush her teeth, take a bath or do dishes. She loooooves TV. I want to get to know her so I can get on her ass and get off the girls so hard. I have to set abetted example. I realize now I was a young mother even though I thought I was grown and old enough. If my family would have worked I think I would have done ok, but the split messed me all up. I'm literally stillllll rebuilding from that, still a few scuff marks. Or maybe I just keep falling myself. It doesn't hurt anymore, that burn I thought would keep low embers have completely cooled and all that remains are ashes in a pile waiting for the wind to blow them away.
Awww getting poetic and stuff. ;)
I'm feeling romantic though, reflective. Romantic in the true sense, not amorous.
So inner child stuff and still nailbiting after all these years I still wonder if I should "see someone" or is that all just bullshit. Like what if whatever is in my subconscious that makes me bite my nails needs to stay buried and fretted over subconsciously. Or does getting it out make it better? Does it??? I don't think these fuckers have a clue and just put you on meds. I wonder if therapists qualify as psychiatrists with ability to prescribe or if they refer. All America is on something or the other I think.