Love just isn't something you say or feel, it's something you do. Love is an action word. Many times people confuse themselves thinking they feel love for a person when, in fact, they are only the recipient of the love from the other person. The feeling they have is on the receiving end, and not the giving end. When you love a person, you do things to make them happy, to make them well, you hurt when they hurt. It's not about things or money, or nebulous feelings, or standard phrases. It's concern and care - automatically, and not prompted. Not wrestled or connived or aroused out of guilt. Consideration...do you consider me? Do you think of me? If not, you really don't love me. This is how I will teach my children to love.

...

Jah, I love you!

Holiday Depression

Cold, gray weather gives me the blues. My first bonafide bout of depression occurred in winter, and since then -- my random depressions usually come in winter. I have much to appreciate, yet this funk I can not shake. What's the source? I'm a spoiled little brat. It's true. I'm down in out in Beverly Hills because I'm being down on myself. As much as I try to discourage my friends from this kind of thought process, I know it all to well. It's called self-loathing. I planned to make a Thanksgiving Dinner after Thanksgiving. Mostly for my vegan daughter since there wasn't much accomodation for her at her grandmothers. But, we were redoing the kitchen (which is still not done), and I never got to make it. Well Christmas came around and I wanted to make up for it. We woke up like 1:30pm on Sunday and about 3 I realized oh man I wanted to cook! So, needless to say, after grocery shopping, we didn't eat til maybe 10-11. I was determined the whole time like yeah, it's late, but it's ok, it's our holiday and we do what we want. We're all on a crazy late schedule lately anyway, big deal...as long as it's worth it.
I'll admit, I'm intimidated by big meals. Multiple dishes that all need to be warm at the same time, and while I think maybe I got that part down this time, this food was not good. Mike ate in silence and he always compliments my cooking, and my middle child makes it obvious when she doesn't like something. I damn sure didn't like it. I did succeed at one dish that I tried new and I really liked it. I tried to console myself because at least the oldest liked it but when you think of it, she likes anything :D But she is my vegan and it was mostly for her, so I should feel at least a little satisfied, but I don't. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm never going to get this house together, job or no job. I feel like I can't make cookies or cakes or dinners or be a good mother.
Christmas was not much of a help. I have this strained relationship with my mother, this wall, this block that I can't seem to break no matter what. I hate hurting her but I also hate her. Not hate her but I have this strong dislike that I can't break. And everytime I try to stop, she does something to make me dislike her again. Then she bought me all this shit for christmas. And all I bought her was some stupid perfume. I dont want all that stuff! I just want her to be fucking responsible with her money and stop acting flagrant. That doesn't make me happy! But I feel like an asshole for not appreciating it and for wanting to complain about it.
Now one of them just threw up. And I dont even feel like cleaning it up. I'll let it sit. All I want to do is be in my bed. Day in day out. As much as I know I need to do, want to do, I just stay glued to this bed. A lazy sorry fuck! Granted, I needed a break. And I think I've had it. I'm ready to get busy again, but I'm scared i"ve become a lazy fuck.

so my daughter's taken an interest in reading the Bible, which i've been ok about because she's sooo nonreligious, i'm just glad she's taken an interest in learning about religion in general. i guess i intentionally raised my children without too much religious influence so that they could see it from an unbiased perspective when deciding whether to become religious or not. If you grow up in the church, someone is always there to explain to you why in the old days it was ok to marry among the family, or why God put the tree in the middle of the garden that he didn't want anyone to touch. So, we read a creation story together and while she had all these doubts and questions and didn't seem to agree, she still wanted more. She said she wanted to read the Bible every day. So, she started reading one day and got to about Genesis Chapter 9ish where Noah is drunk and he curses Ham. She came to me and asked what does this mean Mommy. I asked her what was going on and she said something about him getting drunk and being naked, I don't know. So, I told her close it up and we'd get back to it later. So, I'm just now reading. Right after this part is the curse to Ham who is clearly father to our black nation--his descendants being Egypt and Cush and Sheba. I really did want her to have a positive outcome from reading the Bible, but I'm afraid she's going to be very disgruntled. She's already making comments like "Why would God destroy the whole world?" So, as I've been explaining the oldness of the Bible, much of these early texts coming from actual stone tablets (kids don't even realize there was a day when there was no printed book, no copying, etc) where the originals are not even around any more. Even some of the oldest originals available have huge cracks and erosion. Not to mention, these are ancient languages that we might not understand the storytelling style of, use of metaphors or color in language. So many variables with the Bible. I've told them to be careful and look at what doesn't seem to make sense, or contradict something somewhere else, or if the passage doesn't seem to follow the rest of the story. I've noticed this quite often in the Bible, small discrepancies, and I attribute it to those factors. Which is why I'm so wary of the Bible. And, you can't trust one part and not another. It's not sensible for me to think like that. Of course there is the Quran which corroborates many things in the Bible, and these are the things that I can safely assume to be correct.
Here's the things I, and my child, notice to be strange about the Bible:

God is always cursing somebody
God is always talking about "us" and "we"
Why did God not want people to know the difference between good and evil?
Why would God not want people to be one, and able to accomplish anything working together and then mix up their language so they couldn't do nothing? Genesis 11:5-8 makes it seem like once man started getting intelligent God didn't like that, like his creation was out of control so he had to fuck him up a bit to slow him down. I mean, that's kinda wack.

I'll come back to this...

This Morning

This morning
He whispered in my ear
You
are the
sexiest
woman
alive
And I
am married
to you

And I
smiled

I love
being
married

One Night

I think every grown person has had some non-committed type incredible night. I aint never been no ho, casual sex is not my thing. But as a young college girl, I did sleep over someone's house and all I remember is Portishead, candles and a lot of touching. I could give a shit about the dude involved, though for awhile he had my world record for the softest touch, but the best thing to come out of the night was my introduction to Portishead. I must commend myself for not coming out them drawls--come to think of it I dont even think he tried. Thank you :)

A thing of Beauty

Just out of appreciation for nature, this is a beautiful plant.

Inner child

So what do I do when I want to know how to do something? I look it up. I do research. Google, the library, the whole bit. And when I knew I needed help getting my house in order I got online. There Was flylady (whose principle of a clean sink I just really got the other day) but I preferred the inner child lady. My messes are very much tied to an inner child because the adult in me is very organized. This is the dichotomy I've been living with because at work or school I can be super organized but the house is a mess. And it boils down to this rotten spoiled inner child of mine. This is not sweet cute anjel, this is a brat. She doesn't like to brush her teeth, take a bath or do dishes. She loooooves TV. I want to get to know her so I can get on her ass and get off the girls so hard. I have to set abetted example. I realize now I was a young mother even though I thought I was grown and old enough. If my family would have worked I think I would have done ok, but the split messed me all up. I'm literally stillllll rebuilding from that, still a few scuff marks. Or maybe I just keep falling myself. It doesn't hurt anymore, that burn I thought would keep low embers have completely cooled and all that remains are ashes in a pile waiting for the wind to blow them away.
Awww getting poetic and stuff. ;)
I'm feeling romantic though, reflective. Romantic in the true sense, not amorous.
So inner child stuff and still nailbiting after all these years I still wonder if I should "see someone" or is that all just bullshit. Like what if whatever is in my subconscious that makes me bite my nails needs to stay buried and fretted over subconsciously. Or does getting it out make it better? Does it??? I don't think these fuckers have a clue and just put you on meds. I wonder if therapists qualify as psychiatrists with ability to prescribe or if they refer. All America is on something or the other I think.

Brandification

Why is it this is the first Presidency I have witnessed that discussed the Presidency as a "brand"? Why has Barack Obama's Presidency been commodified? Marketed? Sold? What does this mean? Is he responsible for this brandification, because of the excellent branding achieved by his campaign? The brand of Change, the brand of Obama, the signage, the fonts, the colors. I'm not sure, I'm pretty sure presidents have had this same marketing--slogans and other techniques. But, why has this black man been branded? After writing that, I Just thought about it on a deeper level of branding. Hot iron branding. hmmmmmmmm

Teacher Fights

The recent Houston video is nothing. There's tons of "teacher fights" on youtube. I find that most are in foreign countries. The latest lady has no excuse. I really think there was something psychologically wrong with that chick.

Ok the psychologist in me said:

This broad was assaulted/f'ed with in some kind of way by a little boy probably about his age when she was little. Look at how this chick is dressed with her studded belt and her tough ass squaring up her arms like she bad. Something set her off about him hitting a girl, or being aggressive with a girl, and she thought it her duty to take it out on him.

The psychic in me supposes:

This aint the first time this happened. The kids are laughin and clownin in the background like ooooh get him get him, then when the video goes back to the other white teacher she's looking like "oh brother, not this again". She doesn't a bit look surprised.

The facts are this:
This bitch (excuse me, that's not a fact) kicked, punched and slammed this 13 year old while he was crouched up and wailing (I think that's him). Point blank it's WRONG.

Here are a few others to show this is not new:





Here are some that are just teachers slapping a student:


This is actually funny and I could see myself coming close to this:

Hip hop

I love hip hop still. It's been so dead lately. I even was cheating with rock n roll but ain't nuttin like hip hop. I remember when i was a teenager I used to feel like hip hop was like my mother, then it was like my momma died. Well now it's like she's like an angel watching over me and I catch glimpses of her spirit every now and then.
I just can't believe how uncreative my people have become. Like our DNA been getting destroyed.

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Prey for beyonce

All these people making videos to show the world beyonce is possessed, sold her soul to the devil, etc et al. And while I don't see it in a literal sense, there's still something to it. That bitch is definitely zoned out. Bit I think what's going on is abuse and psychological damage. I think long ago she was abused prob and created that alter ego shit as a coping mechanism. Maybe she had guilt or was made to feel like she wanted or liked it. So the lil nasty girl would take over when abuse occured. She probably really has some form of schitzophrenia or multiple personality disorder. Slowly as she got pimped out in her music career she had to revive that character and she's learned to use it whenever necessary. Then being in the industry she probably got introduced to drinking first, then drugs. Now she's completely lost. ZOMBIE. So I think what we really need to do is pray for that soul. All the accusations and even my own conjecture are all possibilities, but I think one thing remains clear...that bitch is crazy! But
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I don't beleieve this

Here I thought you supported me and understood me. But I was the one misunderstood even more than you.

I thought what we had was stronger than this. I take every word you say as truth.

I think you just speak in general and I in the specific. Do you realize how ambiguous you are or am I just the crazy one?

I feel so miffed, like maybe i've been talking to the walls and not you.

I feel very alone right now. Got me doubting myself.

Fuck that! Fuck that!

It's crazy when everybody knows that thing but you, even worse when they think they know but have no idea.

Gonna get my clarity fuxk that.
Not gonna live like this.

Fuck that fuck that!!

I know my self do you know thy self? You say you know me but I think you do know what you see. I don't know if you've looked inside to the other side.

I've looked in you and it's still dim but I ever quest for the love of you.

If I were musical this would end up a song that millions would make their own meaning to and no one would ever know the incident that prompted it. Not even the vain ones who think this is about them. Scuse grammar.

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Disturbed, yet Gifted Problem Solver

I've become very disturbed by the world we live in. They have taken knowledge and science and went allll awry. They want to increase sperm, bioengineer - which engineer, in and of itself, means it was made by man, so how do you bio-engineer? My world is disturbing. And, I wonder why I see little boys out buying dresses and wigs with their shoulders slumped over. It's a sick sad world. Poisoning of the food and water...gay cartoon babies...it's insanity.

Well I did have a very excellent conversation with my daughter today. We talked about what rules we could rely on about life. And religion and what not.

For me:
1. The Golden Rule, and beyond doing unto others, also wanting for others happiness like u want for self
2. There is a oneness of our universe. Everything is connected, and all connected to God.
3. Submission to God's will,
For her:
1. you can't just spend a bunch of money forever, at some point it will run out
2. there was another one she had...can't remember jjust now.
3. every human has a gift....i liked this because i like to think that--you know how autistic kids have these amazing talents, some slow person might have a gift of love and piety and truth, but what about really low-functioning people, like straight derrrr...but when i thought about it again, i realized what if they have some gifts we dont even know...we cant even comprehend. maybe they have telekenesis, telepathy, anything. so this one for me...i'm still unsure of.

Time to go....

Charles Hamilton is BACK!

My boy is back with new music on deck! I'd been unable to be do much d/l anyway so it worked out. It was just in time for me to say...I been thru all the catalogs, what's left? I admit, I was a little scared he mighta went Amy Winehouse and be a lost forever. The tragic young artist full of so much promise.

So, the new album is Normalcy. Fave songs so far are Suicides, She's Purty, Workin in the Lab is crazy (2nd listen: #3 IS DOOOOOOPE). See&Say is hard. I think I'm gonna be feelin this 20Hamil10 too. A lot of these beats are crazy though. At first I was like ehhh but then I remembered I only be likin 2-3 songs per album usually anyway. The first few songs I wasn't feelin, especially after he said he was going to lose the "lo-fi" thing, which is part of what I like. The only thing I dont like is how different songs be sounding in diff systems, but that's more cuz his beats are so intricate, if your shit aint clear it aint right, but if it ain't got bass it ain't shit.
He ain't rhymin rhymin tho. I'm not crazy about the "to-be" studio album "This Perfect Life".

Download: Charles Hamilton – Normalcy [Mixtape]

My favorite charles hamilton album

Playlist will add l8rr

Crush Kill Destroy STRESS

I'm feeling very stressed and starting to get a little depressive. I almost dont want to use my blog anymore because of this guy who just blew up an IRS building and they used his blog as a suicide note. And reading the so-called suicide note, it doesn't even seem like he was writing a suicide note until the end, which they probably just plugged in...unfortunately his blog was down so you couldn't really read what he'd written up to that point to see if it was a gradual insanity type thing.
The whole thing was just too convenient. Guy with IRS issues and flight experience goes and flies a plane right into an IRS building where only one person other than himself died.
What kills me is they don't call it "terrorism" because he wasn't working within "a cell". I thought terrorism has to do with striking fear into people and using terror to control and rule people. Well, saying he is guilty, and did do this, how is it not terrorism?
But still, I really think this guy didn't do it. He didn't look an ounce crazy. Sad though for his kids.
And yeah, I don't really think Kurt Cobain killed himself either. I never want my writings to be used against me. My ramblings and musings about tomorrow...I've always journaled, in the past in the hopes that a future descendent would find them and know a little about their ancestor. I've been wary of the net for awhile, for anything too personal, but figured what the hell, my descedents may hack the ancient Internet and decode my shit. Maybe paper will be nothing in the future eras. Need to go carve some shit.
Anyway, so yeah, I was just getting a little blue, that kinda blue that starts to try to take over you, actually red, I"ve been more angry. Angry and yelling til my head hurt, angry where a little laugh couldn't just bring me out, just pissy. maybe i'm orange then! haha. i feel a little better, just with that little ramble :) or maybe it was the tea my DD made me. off to bed now.

What's the Deal with Pizza?

Why is it people think pizza is an open invitation to beg? I admit, I'm slightly greedy, particularly when it comes to food. I don't really like sharing my food (with people who are already full or not in need). I'm sorry, this goes against my principles, but it's something I think I'm working on. But, why is it every time I get pizza I got niggas beggin? That shit really bugs me. Kids or adult, I don't like mfkas beggin'. Today I bought pizza for lunch, and I can pretty much knock out half a pizza and my kids would knock out the rest after school. Now, if you didn't put in on my pizza, why you gon have the nerve to ask for some? If I got Chinese food, nobody would be in my plate. If I had subway nobody would ask for half. I guess pizza's slicable, addictive, and in a box, so for some reason people take that as license to beg, oops, ask.

If I had some to spare, I'd offer. But niggas beggin puts me in a predicament. Either of not getting full, or depriving my babies (or students) of theirs. Many times, I've ordered pizza out of pocket for my students and have mfkas coming from everywhere askin for some.

Now the kids annoy me too when they beg, but they kids. What do you want? You can tell them don't beg and hope they dont grow up to be the annoying adults that beg.

I had two kids that didnt have lunch, so I begrudgingly gave them some (I told you I was working on my food greed). Because I knew this was the right thing to do. I didn't want them starving. But, grown folks with money who already ate aint got no right coming acting like "I know you gon save me a piece" or "I know it's a piece in there for me".

A NIGGUH PLEASE!!

just watched thumbsucker. great indie movie.

moral of the story: we're all a little fucked up. and everybody's parents are a little fucked up. one day you'll be a parent and see how fucked up it is to try to not be fucked up, and end up fucking up anyway. but keep trying to not fuck up! while accepting yourself as fucked up!i think...i think

Royal Fags

The caption reads the vigor and strength of the kings stocking covered legs contrast with the age and wisdom of his lined face. LMAO!

Keepin it real curator says :
Peep this niggas whole style. I don't want to hear that shit about tight pants and stockings was just the style back then.
First of all this nigga stance is mean. That pose where a bitch got her back to you but she throws her head around all like come here big daddy. Then his hand is on his hip (which you can't really notice for all his fluff and frills.)
Now move down to his feet. This nigga is wearing pumps with buckles, a red bow, and some damn red ass HEELS! now u tell me he ain't Tryna be sexy!
Move up his legs til u reach his garters, excuse me those are stocking buckles. Maybe if you weren't standing like a Victorias secret model they wouldn't be so gartery.
Travel up that sexy thigh to his naughty little derrierre berely covered by layers of delicate lace.
I think this painting was especially commissioned for a lover. There is a contrast but it's not the lines on his race. It's the sceptre he weilds on the table. Probably wants to be spanked with it.



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Peace be upon us

I tend to think my life is pretty good everything is how inwant it to be as far as the things that are really important to me. My husband is easy like Sunday morning. Nothing bothers him and he adores me. My babies are all just fine. Smart and sweet and healthy. I have a home and a computer and an iPod. I don't need a lot of material things my wants are simple and met. I'm often perplexed by grace, luck, or why some peoples lot in life can turn out so hard. Could I be being blessed for duty in a past life? Then I think if that's true then I can not excel without knowin true compassion and knowing I have to want for others what I want for myself. Not the things, the satisfaction. Other times, I might get a little fearful like what's coming? I can't even commit to paper or utter aloutld the fearful thoughts that may invade my mind. I think I needs to stay focusd on my big work and the next level which is to be free from all suffering. I want to do a big work n this life. I want for everyone what I want for myself.... Which is happiness.



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